How did this all start OR WTF am I doing?????

On August 4th, I am going to the Biggest Loser Resort and Spa in Malibu, CA for 4 weeks.  I have been saying this on repeat in my head since January 27, 2013.  And it's almost here. And I am scared shitless.  And I am really excited. Did I mention I am scared out of my mind?  How did this all come to pass you ask? (maybe you didn't ask but I am going to tell you anyway).

I tend to schedule my yearly physicals around my birthday - which is January 8th.  It is an easy way to remember to head to the doctor and make sure everything is working ok.  This year I switched doctors, for no other reason than this office is closer to my office.  Well, was I in for a rude awakening.  See, I have been going to the same dr. since I moved to Boston in 2000.  She knew my struggles with my weight during that time. I went to the weight loss clinic she suggested in 2005 - they put me on phentermine - which at the time was AWESOME.  All I had to do was take a pill and could totally fudge working out and I still lose weight and feel energized.  Sign me up! Yes I lost 75 pounds but this is what happens when you get off the legal speed - you gain it all back plus more because you go from not eating to eating everything. She watched me gain it back - and listen to my excuses.  She didn't push me  - which is fully my fault, not hers - I mean I knew the right thing to say. And I can be pretty convincing.  It always ended up being a pat on the back and a "you can do it this year".

Anyway, back to this year's physical.  I started with a new doctor and little did I know how much of a rude awakening this was going to be.  It began with the weigh in. 263.2 pounds. Umm, excuse me - this scale is wrong. 263.2 pounds.  In my mind, I am screaming & cursing, ALOT. How the hell am I closer to 300 then 200. In real life, I am talking to the doctor, telling her that I was aware but I do what I have to do (lie) and that this year was going to be the year I change it (knowing full well I was b'sing her).   My new doctor is looking at me, smiling and nodding her head while I throw out excuse after excuse.  Then she starts "Well, Vanessa, I am going to tell you how the next 15 years of your life are going to go if you continue down this path.  You are a relatively healthy woman, your blood work is great (other than a vitamin D deficiency), your cholesterol is good, blood pressure - great.  You are working out a little bit - not alot or enough but a little bit - I don't care what you are telling me you are doing, I know that you are not doing that.  In 10 years, when you are 50, your knees are going to go.  You are going to need surgery. Then you are not going to be able to workout, you will gain at least 75-100 pounds. So now, you are anywhere from 350-375 pounds. Diabetes sets in and heart disease is a high probability - remember your father had a heart attack in his late 40's. You will be obese and unhappy. There is only so much you can hide behind that smile. So what are you going to do, Vanessa? Are you going to let this take over your life? Or are you finally going to cut out and take over YOUR life?"  My outside voice "Ummmmmm, I am going to go now, really great meeting you Doc, see you in a month to check my vitamin D levels. Thank you."  Inside voice "HOLY SHIT, I AM F*CKED - WTF AM I GOING TO DO". Yes, I take the long way back to work because I am crying, a lot. Hysterically crying is more like it. Panic attack style.  I pull it together (it's cold, it's January in Boston - that could make anyone stop crying).

I go back to work - and start thinking (not always a good thing for me but in this case it was).  I am a pretty self aware person and I know I will not be able to do this if it is not my complete focus.  I recognize I don't know shit about health, fitness & nutrition (obviously).  I look back at the last 39 years of my life and notice a pattern.  I have never put myself first ever, in my entire life.  Whether it was helping my family growing up (2nd oldest sibling - my brother left for college when I was 12 - I pretty much felt like the oldest in my family) or working as an executive assistant.  Other people, were always the priority in my life.  Sounds strange coming from a single girl - everyone always assumes that single people automatically put themselves first.  Not true, yes, you can do what you want, when you want but I always accommodated everyone else.  And don't get me started about work - all I do is take care of everyone.  Can't workout because I am busy. Oh I can't leave my desk so the gummy bear snack will have to satisfy.  Plus, I love a good night out.  Nothing makes me happier then going out with my friends, having a great meal, multiple adult beverages and just having a good time. I love to party.  I had my AHA! moment - I needed to get away from everyone and everything in order to put myself first.

Oh, how I love the interweb! I legit googled "Fat Camps".  First one that came up was the Biggest Loser Resort & Spa.  Oh hey, I watch the show. Hell, I even auditioned for it one year.  I clicked on the website.  They had a resort in Malibu, CA. I love California, its clear across the country - no distractions.  Time zone difference, cannot really talk to anyone on the East Coast.  This is perfect.  I have heard it takes 21 days to make a habit.  So, I will go for 4 weeks. Yes it's expensive, but its worth it, right? First thing, I do is call my mom (aka Lady, Babs) and tell her.  To say she was thrilled beyond belief, is probably an understatement! My mom has been waiting not so patiently for years for me to do something like this.  I know it keeps her up at night worrying about me, my life and my health. We have gotten into it a few times over the years, because you know "It's MY life" says the daughter (things don't change much from those teenage years).  It had become a taboo topic with us - she would say something and I would flip out.  Her getting this call was probably one of the best feelings in her life.  As I told her, I needed to get there myself.  I always get there - it just usually takes a while.  It's hard to admit you don't know anything and need help.  And I don't know anything and I do need help.

Next step, telling work I was planning on taking the month of August off.  Why August?
1 - Slowest time at work (see what I did there, put work before myself - need to stop doing that)
2 - It was still 6 months away and I needed to mentally prepare myself.
They said yes!! Which I am beyond grateful for - I don't even think they understand how grateful I am. They really are my second family (a dysfunctional one at that) but still family.  Almost 14 years at a place does that to anyone.

It's January 27, 2013.  I call the 800 number, leave the deposit and officially sign up.  August 4th to September 1st.  It's done, I am going.

Fast forward 6 months later, it's July 20, 2013. I leave in 2 weeks. WTF am I doing?? I know, I am changing my life.